Communicate Better With Your Child

Mandie Kramer
Nov 28, 2021
10 min read

Have you ever felt like communicating with your child can sometimes be a struggle? How can you improve your skills in communication whether at home or on vacation? Well, whether you have a defiant teenager or an angry toddler, Dr. Beth Trammell and I cover both ends of the spectrum when it comes to strategies to better communicate with your child. You'll learn some tangible takeaways you can apply immediately in addition to some advice Dr. Trammell shares about reducing stress while traveling with your kiddos!

Listen to the episode here or continue reading to collect the main points of the interview.

Dr. Beth Trammell, a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and advocate for connection healing and effective communication. She specializes in communication and behavioral strategies related to inclusivity connection, parenting coaching, and education. She's also the host of an amazing podcast called Kids These Days and published a book called Make Words Matter.

The focus of our conversation is around understanding how your child interprets your communication and how you can apply this knowledge to your life, particularly when you are traveling and when there are many unknowns and an increased level of stress headed your way.

Here are the topics addressed in this article

Making Words Matter: The Book
How do I get my teen to listen to me?
Honoring your teen's space
Keep the conversation open and transparent
How can we set our very young kids up for success?
How can we communicate better with little kids?
Travel Tips for older kids/teens
Helpful resource links

What is the book Making Words Matter about?

Dr. Beth Trammell, Author of Make Words Matter

“I have worked with kids and families in a variety of clinically based settings, and what I found myself continuing to come back to as I was talking with clients and parents and families, was always about behavioral and communication strategies. And more specifically, how do we make what we say, matter enough to our kids to get them to do the things we need them to do, right? So for me, it comes back to being intentional with our words... We don't make good parenting decisions when we're frustrated so my focus has been on Yeah, teaching specific strategies that are straightforward and logical.” -Dr. Beth Trammell.

Making Words Matter: straightforward, logical parenting to take your kid from frustrating to connecting and listening, is all about being intentional with our words in a way that increases our connection with our kids, but then also gets them to do the things we need them to do.

You can purchase the book at: https://makewordsmatterforgood.com/product/make-words-matter-straightforward-logical-parenting-to-take-your-kid-from-frustrating-to-connecting-and-listening/

How do I get my teenager to listen to me?

What are some strategies that you can recommend to parents or even teachers of teenagers about how they can make their words matter with this tough age group?

Pause and think before you react.

“So teens can be really tricky as their stage of development is about becoming more independent, but really not necessarily having all of the social, emotional, and, and even cognitive tools to really make the jump into being independent, but they think they want to be independent! Frankly, we as parents are kind of over them being childlike, right? So if our teen is pushing back against something that we're kind of pushing them toward, our first step [to success] before we emotionally respond, is to pause and think about what is actually happening under the interaction that we're having.”

“So let's say your teenager is on their phone, and they're watching Tik-Tok, and you come over and you say, Okay, we're, we're gonna eat dinner now. So put your phone away, we're gonna have dinner, and your teen rolls their eyes at you. Pausing before we launch into our emotional response of you're being disrespectful, and how dare you look at me like that.”

Pausing as the parent and assessing the situation that your child is currently in is the first step towards better communication with your teen. Take a moment and look at the world through their eyes. You are interrupting what they are engaged in, telling them to turn it off and do something else (have dinner). If you were them, you may not immediately put down your phone with a smile and say…” sure mom! Thanks for cooking!” So taking a minute and acknowledging the situation and approaching them with a more empathetic angle is going to de-escalate those negative or frustrating reactions you perceive as a parent.

Honor your teen's space.

Dr. Trammell calls it “honoring their space”

“We at least honor the fact that they're probably going to be a little bit grumpy about that. That doesn't mean we let that happen. It just means instead of jumping right into discipline, or punishment, or whatever that might be, it's taking a minute to honor their space and in this interaction. So I find that many parents, of adolescence especially, just launch into delivering over-controlled responses, instead of really trying to see life through their perspective.”

So most teenagers just need a moment, and instead of taking it personally, take a breath. Dr. Trammell notes that this scenario is best fitted for the typical teenager, but some teens are actively defiant and if you have one of those teens, you can reach out to Dr. Trammell for further guidance.

When you engage with your teen, take a moment, honor their space by conversing with them about what you’re observing and how you can move forward. You could say something along the lines of, “I see you are engaged with your phone, but could you please finish up in the next 1-2 minutes and join us for dinner?” or you can ask them to come at that moment, but the main point is that you are taking the time to acknowledge that you are taking them away from something they are engaged with and may not be super willing to jump from where they are and run to the dinner table.

“The idea here is that we want to come down to realizing and honoring this moment with my teen in a way that makes them feel seen and heard, not just responded to and controlled.”

Open conversation and expression are key.

If you’re engaging with your teen and they are resisting or not listening, then take a breath and address it in a calm way.

As simple as saying,

"It probably feels unfair because I really do require you to move more quickly because I'm in a hurry... “ Honoring that moment, honoring their feeling of unfairness, can go a long way.

How can we (as parents) communicate our expectations better with our little ones?

Toddlers are in a world where there are so many things that they are thinking, but they can't express what is on their mind or they're just not developmentally there yet to communicate their feelings and their wantings.

“The golden age to do this work to set yourself up for success really is earlier on because you're setting up patterns for them that you won't have to retrain later. But when we're talking about little, so our, our pre-K and even grades 1 and 2, they just need SO much training. They need so much training because they are still trying to figure out the world around them. And they haven't had enough experience to fall back on, especially in light of the pandemic, where they have missed out on so many social opportunities where we learn so much about ourselves and the world around us that I think the first thing for parents to remember is that, that kids at this age just need a lot of training.

How can we set our little ones up for success?

“Having clear expectations and effective routines. For me, that's what structure means. So you hear people talk about, well, they just need more structure, I can't wait till the structure of school comes back. Essentially, structure means clear expectations and effective routines. So most of our kids, most of our kids. And frankly, most of us as grownups really live in a space of routines.

Start with a visual schedule

As a parent, think about what your goals are for your child. What do you want them to be able to do on their own without you having to constantly remind or tell them what to do? Start with the morning and then build on the rest of the day all the way to bedtime. Think about all the tasks you want your child to do at the start of the day and create a VISUAL representation of that schedule.

Visual representation when they are very little and means pictures along with the words. So a morning schedule with pictures of all the actions you want them to do, and you can even make the board interactive where they check it once they are done with a dry erase marker, maybe they flip a color from red to greed, or whatever you want to do with your child, just be sure it is easily readable and accessible to them. If you google morning routine cards, you will find many options out there, but if you want to check out Sesame Street's digital visual cards, they are printable and it saves you from going down a search engine rabbit hole!

The next step is a continuous one, but practice practice practice! This goes back to a few paragraphs before about the importance of practice and repetition because they are just learning this stuff for the first time and they don’t have any memories or skillsets yet to build off of.

Be there a lot for your child when they are learning, and over time, probably faster than you think, they will be running their morning on their own by using the schedule as a reference. When kids know and understand what to do, they feel proud and basically not confused! A not confused little one goes a long way when it comes to behavior management and communicating what you want them to do.

Communicate Better with Young Kids

How can we better interpret our little ones when they are frustrated and can’t communicate what they want? How can we as parents better handle temper tantrums and other situations where our little one is out of control?

“So I talk in my book about the four game-changers? Are they eating? Are they sleeping? Can they see? And can they hear? First, try to identify if are there things that are happening to your kid's bodies...that is the reason they are behaving this way?”

If your child’s nap time has been derailed or postponed, if they haven’t eaten in a while, if you just turned off their favorite TV show… all of these things could lead to a “meltdown”. Dr. Trammell emphasizes that when they are in that phase of breaking down, that is not the time to try to have a teachable moment. Your first priority is to get them out of the meltdown, and then have a teachable moment when they are calmed down.

Dr. Trammell talks about different strategies on how you can get your kid from seeing red to green and get their brains back to functioning on her podcast, but one thing we discussed was breathing exercises where you have them lay on the floor with a stuffed animal on their belly and they make the stuffed animal rise and fall. Do this on the floor with them to help bring them back to calm. Once they are calm, then you can address the scenario of what just happened and explain why it was not OK and how it could have been handled differently.

Travel Tips

How can we apply these communication strategies with little ones, all the way up to teenagers, and apply them to the world of travel?

When you travel, you are changing their environment where they are comfortable with their routines and schedule, it can be a stressful situation for everyone to get on a plane and go somewhere, then you could be messing up sleep schedules as well! So what can we do to ease the stress of travel?

Give your older kids/teens more agency and influence over the agenda of the trip.

“Our goal is to help them see the world and so we shouldn't avoid travel because we're nervous about it. It's really just going into it with a different mindset. So first realizing it's not necessarily going to be relaxing, but it can still be fun. If we can, particularly for our teenagers, have them be a part of the planning process, they may buy into it a little bit more. So if they can do some research about the city that you're going to and find one place that they would love to see, it might make them look forward to the trip differently if they can be a part of...Our teenagers may surprise us with the things they want to see. So have them do some planning if, if possible.”

Set realistic expectations for yourself as a parent.

“No amount of planning can make them emotionally respond the way we want them to.”

Vacations with kids are likely not going to be relaxing, but they can be fun. So first getting your head wrapped around that as the adult is going to help you with your time on the trip. Another thing to understand is that sometimes kids just have a bad day, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. So being flexible and smart about communicating your expectations with your child if they are in a funk, is a great strategy to help a trip go more smoothly.

“Realise that their [your children’s] love of things is not necessarily going to match your love of things. And that can be okay. So if you're going to something that they don't really want to do, just go into it with clear expectations. So say, ‘ I know this won't be your favorite thing, but this is something I'm looking forward to, so for mommy, for the next two hours, what I expect is that you won't whine or complain that you won't, you know, stomp your feet and have a meltdown, I expect that you will just follow along. You don't have to love it. But that's a gift to Mommy’ and then try to plan something for them after your thing and they do a good job doing your thing.”

With very young ones, five and younger, they don’t really buy into the idea of a vacation or a trip, they struggle to understand. So it’s always good to have multiple plans in place in case your little one is having an off-day. There is no sense in pushing them to do something they don’t want to do, you just need to be flexible when you’re traveling with very little ones.

What advice can you give parents to be one step closer to a more positive experience for travel?

Plan Ahead

“The first is to prepare for the sort of anticipated problems along the journey, right. So if you know your kid hates to be in their car seat, and you're going to be going six hours, then you plan for two breaks, to go to find playgrounds, or places to run around, or snacks or something. So plan ahead.”

Set up a routine once you get there

“Once you get there try to develop another kind of new normal routine when you get there. So if you're going to be there for three or four days, have them, you know, create structure about where they're going to put their shoes, and where do they put their laundry, and we're still gonna brush our teeth. Creating that predictability for them. And then giving them kind of a highlight of what the day is going to look like. Especially if you've got elementary or, or older kids, make sure that you let them know when they will have time to do things they want to do because they're on vacation too.”